It's been awhile since I have posted here.. Things have kept me from being on the internet, computer to rule it out. 

                                               Can you explain your thoughts?  I can't...                  

Days have been dull, never seeming to go on past the hour.  But yet, it has flew by without backtracking, seeming to slow.  My mind rubs against the edge of ax.  More painful time have seem to spawn again.  Never knowing when such a pain could stop, I just kee going forward.  Multiple things begin to happen.  I stepped outside during the sunrise, I watched as the yard, the houses became bathed in the golden light of the newcoming day.  It was quite a sight to me, since I had stayed up all night, weariness dragged on the corner of my eyes.

                                  I can see why the sun resembles hope..

The sight of the sun, the feel of the gentle blowing wind of the morning brought back a old feeling, something reminded me of the past.  I smiled as the endless rays met my skin, warming me, emotionally and physically.  I am going to be switching households with my friend Corey for awhile, since we both complain about our own houses.

                                Feel my love, burden it upon yourself, mourning.

Today was a day.. That I can't remember.  I stayed up all night.. But I slept afterwards.  Something was bothering me today, filling me with sadness.  Now I have forgotten what has made me so shaken.  My whole day was a waste.. I can't remember it.

                                      Something brushes against my neck..

I don't know what to write.  As ever, I am persuing power, yet I want to feel the pain of the world, but I want to be famous.  These three things that my heart, my mind desire are three things that can't truly be mixed, can they?  The pain, the weight of the world shall crush my spine, I want it to.  The thirst for power, the power that makes me unbeatable..  That can never be satisfied, you can always be defeated, ALWAYS.  Wanting to be famous can happen..  Then again I feel incertain about it.  I desire to be famous trhoguh strength, music and pain.

                                 You filled my heart with joy.. It's not your fault.

I blame other people for my mistakes sometimes, other people for my pain, but it'ss 100% me.  It's impossible for my pain to be brought from someone else, it can only provoke it.  I don't blame it on anyone, I lost her, it was my own fault.  The thought of coming online, waiting for her to come on.. Her name would rise from the bottom right corner of my screen, and I would click it, begin talking to her.  Is till do that, but we don't really talk too much anymore.  Something seems uneasy about it all.

         The feel of your face, my fingertips that brushed against your face..I will always long for you, it is impossible for me not to..You are a BeautifulCreation..                            

I feel like I am being shook, a earthquake under my feet. So many lives seem to be on the verge of crumbling, so many things seem unreachable now.

Wondering what will come with the future.. I shudder at the thought of a dead future.  The ones I care about the most seem to be harmed, the burden of pain rising in their chest.  So many things are happening.. So many lives are being ruined..

As long as people know this, Never commit Suicide, never commit the act of great Selfishness..  You can affect other peopel by giving up, throwing your life away.  Hoe extremly selfish..  You can cause other people to end their lives, for losing you.

Death moves silently through the air, undestructible.. Does it brush against my neck?  Something is, great loss, a pain that fills my brain.  Will something bad happen?  I have th feeling of it..  I think Iw ill be diagnosed with something, so far, everyone in this side of the family has a auto-immune disease.  My oldest sister, Alapiecha, Oldest brother, ITP.  My mom has Fibromialgy.  As does my mom's cousins and aunt's and my grandma.  My second to youngest sister has psoriasis.  I know, I can't spell, but the words don't matter, the diseases do.  I wish I could carry the burden, I once prayed to God that I would take my mom's pain and hold it for her, so she can act normally.  As usaul, nothing happened.

What pains me more then anything else on the world, the universe, in it all, is seeing someone I love in pain.  Reading words of their depression, being able to sense it all.

Reading about how their life has been totalled, they seem to hold so much grief, despair..  I just can't stop my thoughts.  My mind is clouded now, thinking, once more visiting the past, and what could have been if I wasn't always fucking up.

My behavior was unexceptable..  Like with JD..  I cheated on her once, a night that stands out in my mind.  I didn't go any further then kissing the other person, but even so much as a contact above friendship in unexceptable.  Even though I felt it was set up by her and someone else, maybe ever herself, it doesn't matter.  I still loved her, I didn't realize my fault until after I left that night.  She forgave me for that the next afternoon.

I was just getting into my faster ages of typing, advancing more then I thought I could.  Through my ages, which was only a year and a half, of my Role Playing..  I prized my time with JD more then any other, even if I never showed it, ven if my actions voided it.  I dissapeared on her for a week.  When I returned we broke up.  Never got a straight answer as to why, not that I can remember.  After that, I turned to nothing but constant fighting.  That's how I met Peter.  Also known as Legendary Goku.  Such a great and enthusiastic soul he was.  We sparred every morning, after our goofing around.  Never did he quite match me in speed, but he had something I didn't have.  He had a heart, I didn't seem to have one then.  He had detail, something I lacked seriously.  He was a kind person, now he is often busy, never on to see him. 

When I hear any of the names JD used, so many diffrent words spring to mind, diffretn thoughts.  Lamburghini, somethign we cruised in during a RP session.. A long one, that ended in us getting together around 9:16 that night.. Amazing how Ican zero it in on the time, huh?  Other things, My name, Snake.  The name I picked back up when the Para war started.  Amy, the annoying girl that helped me ask her out.  The first day I met her, was when I was friends with Kagome.. I threw JD off a cliff, she was known as Kikyo then.  That was my way of meeting her..  I remember so much, so mcuh that stays on my mind, as of lately, the only thing almost.  I get into lots of fights now, then I just take my time away from everything and think about my older times.  The times with the person I loved.  And my heart still wants, but I fear I can't have.  I messed up, that's the choice I have to live with, I have to respect her earlier desicions as well.

Where will I get from making all of my thoughts open for public viewing?  Nowhere.. It wont even make other people consider I might have it bad, they will then turn to their own problems and start picking at what is their problems.  I haven't been much of the person to bicker over my problems, much of someone to even wanna share my thoughts to public.  Well.. I have always had a way of making some of my feelings known.  My feelings for someone.  Is that what I am doing with this post?  I don't know.. It just seems that's what Iw ant to post, my fingers lead the way opf my heart, always been.

            Flickering flames that resemble my love, untouched by darkness.